Today has ended, as have many days before it, with me feeling guilty for not accomplishing more today and anxious for how much I have to do tomorrow. To be fair, I did not waste my day. It was spent cleaning and organizing and doing laundry, and this evening was spent enjoying time with my friends. These are all things that needed to be done and that are very important to me, but so is staying on top of my schoolwork. Here at Cornell, studying is more important than sleep, health, happiness, and obviously relaxing. One receives a heavy dose of guilt if they chose to care for any of these things instead of the problem set due Wednesday and the reading that needs to be done by lecture Tuesday. This feeds itself, we are surrounded by people with too much work, not enough time to do it, and a desperate desire to remain in control of it all. When my friends turn down invitations, or do homework while attending events, I start to question whether or not I am working hard enough. I curse my own lacking work ethic, because if they can apparently work so much why can't I? I, as well as others, don't seem capable of pacing myself or trusting intuition when it comes to studying, so we watch those around us and compare hours spent working and sacrifices made for work, and feel inadequate when we see that they appear to be doing more. The truth is that I have no clue how much I should be working on what subjects, and I don't know what to expect of myself. This results in setting myself up for failure. This is what I hate about Cornell, and why campus can be so unhappy, depressing, and unbearable. Constantly feeling both guilty and anxious is not fun.
Unfortunately this is not going to change. So how do I find the balance? Either I accomplish so much that I am wholly on top of everything and I feel free to do as I please (if I have any time left), or I learn to stop thinking about the work I have left to do. Honestly, if the first were possible, I would prefer it. I feel like it leads to better grades and more learning accomplished. But I have done nothing but fail at reaching this goal and consequently felt miserable. Therefore I need to find a way to accept what I cannot do and forgive myself and try not to get wrapped up with comparing myself to other high performance students. I just need to do my own thing.
What does this involve? My negative feelings stem from not reaching goals, so logically I would need to set different goals. The problem is that I do have to try to get as much done as possible because really I should be doing all of it. So how do I finish everything I need to do without setting specific goals? I really don't know. The other thing I need to do is try to isolate my study habits from others. I need to do my work in libraries, and when I see others working while I play, I need to tell myself that I am going to live life my way.
Ah well, I guess it's something to think about. Hopefully tomorrow will be productive so I can feel better tomorrow evening. I guess this didn't really accomplish anything...
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