Drums, Lions, and Cellos

So I went to a taiko drumming concert a few weeks ago and I cried during the first song.  If you have never seen taiko drumming before, you should.  The drummers throw every last ounce of their strength into the drums.  If the drums were people, they would have broken bones.  So why did I cry? The drummers cannot hold anything back.  They have to pour out all their passion and all their emotion onto the drum or it wouldn't be taiko drumming.  Whether it be unabashed rage or joy and elation, it is expressed to the fullest extent.  So I cried, because, for the first time in a very long time, I saw the raw spirit of human beings.  They had taken off all their propriety, all their fear of offending anyone, all their embarrassment, every single last veil covering humanity, and revealed nothing less than the full life and spirit within them.

So I've really been into lions lately.  I like sending pictures of them to people to express how I'm feeling at the moment.  But why lions?  If you've ever watched a documentary of lions, or have been lucky to have seen them in person, you will have noticed that they plainly express exactly what is on their mind.  If they are relaxed and happy with their company, you'll see them rub faces and curl up next to each other other.  They'll  yawn and stretch out without a care in the world.  On the other hand, they don't not appear to hold back anger.  I don't think anything in the world expresses anger like a lion's roar.  It's like opening their mouths opens the lid to the pit of all their anger, and fear, and sorrow.  I also love lions because they are social predators, like us.  They are dangerous enough to take down and kill a wildebeest, and yet they can coexist in highly organized communities.  They live among one another and build relationships with each other.  You can see between lions the same concern, affection, and fear that we have between each other, but expressed much more plainly.

My favorite instrument has always been the cello.  In my opinion, no other instrument can capture human emotion better than a cello.  They resonate of sorrow, hope, fear, and satisfaction.

Why can drumming, lions, and cellos express our emotions so much better than we can?  We have suppressed so much of our animal natures that we have become convoluted.  We can only show passion through controlled outlets, such as drumming for an audience, or making other objects express our emotions for us, as is the case of many instruments and my using pictures of lions to get a point across.  It's no wonder children are so interested in violence and war games, they have no other allowed outlet for anger and frustration.  Obviously I don't think we should start brutally attacking prides that enter our territory and killing the cubs of previous males, but I do think we seriously need to find a way to fully express ourselves.  I don't think words cut it, except for those few who have mastered the use of language.  I was watching an episode of Super Nanny and the three young boys were having all kinds of issues with anger and closing themselves off to their parents.  Super Nanny came up with a very simple solution.  She taped popsicle sticks to paper plates and drew faces on the plates, each showing a face with a different emotion.  When a boy would feel a certain emotion, he would hold up the face and show it to whoever he was speaking to to express how he felt.  The boys started using them immediately, and within a few days the understanding between parents and sons had taken a full turn for the better.  The point is that the kids needed pictures drawn on plates to show how they felt to their parents.  Isn't there something wrong with that?

I don't really have any useful suggestions for this, but maybe it should be something that people start questioning.  We can't all learn to drum, or play cello, or roar like lions.

The ever-present weight of to-dos

Today has ended, as have many days before it, with me feeling guilty for not accomplishing more today and anxious for how much I have to do tomorrow.  To be fair, I did not waste my day.  It was spent cleaning and  organizing and doing laundry, and this evening was spent enjoying time with my friends.  These are all things that needed to be done and that are very important to me, but so is staying on top of my schoolwork.  Here at Cornell, studying is more important than sleep, health, happiness, and obviously relaxing.  One receives a heavy dose of guilt if they chose to care for any of these things instead of the problem set due Wednesday and the reading that needs to be done by lecture Tuesday.  This feeds itself, we are surrounded by people with too much work, not enough time to do it, and a desperate desire to remain in control of it all.  When my friends turn down invitations, or do homework while attending events, I start to question whether or not I am working hard enough.  I curse my own lacking work ethic, because if they can apparently work so much why can't I?  I, as well as others, don't seem capable of pacing myself or trusting intuition when it comes to studying, so we watch those around us and compare hours spent working and sacrifices made for work, and feel inadequate when we see that they appear to be doing more.  The truth is that I have no clue how much I should be working on what subjects, and I don't know what to expect of myself.  This results in setting myself up for failure.  This is what I hate about Cornell, and why campus can be so unhappy, depressing, and unbearable.  Constantly feeling both guilty and anxious is not fun.

Unfortunately this is not going to change.  So how do I find the balance?  Either I accomplish so much that I am wholly on top of everything and I feel free to do as I please (if I have any time left), or I learn to stop thinking about the work I have left to do.  Honestly, if the first were possible, I would prefer it.  I feel like it leads to better grades and more learning accomplished.  But I have done nothing but fail at reaching this goal and consequently felt miserable.  Therefore I need to find a way to accept what I cannot do and forgive myself and try not to get wrapped up with comparing myself to other high performance students.  I just need to do my own thing.

What does this involve?  My negative feelings stem from not reaching goals, so logically I would need to set different goals.  The problem is that I do have to try to get as much done as possible because really I should be doing all of it.  So how do I finish everything I need to do without setting specific goals?  I really don't know.  The other thing I need to do is try to isolate my study habits from others.  I need to do my work in libraries, and when I see others working while I play, I need to tell myself that I am going to live life my way.

Ah well, I guess it's something to think about.  Hopefully tomorrow will be productive so I can feel better tomorrow evening.  I guess this didn't really accomplish anything...

My cup runneth over

Today was a really long day.  Winter storm Nemo hit us at about two while I was a twenty minute walk back to my dorm.  It snowed buckets and has not stopped since then.  It is all very pretty and people are excited about it, which makes me happy.  Excitement breathes life into the campus.  I had a really fun afternoon with my friends.  I am realizing more and more every day how amazing, caring, fun, unique, and beautiful they all are.  I could not ask for a better group of people to spend my days with.  I watched Flicka with Lisa, and during the climax of the movie, Anna called to have us come outside and see her snow sculpture.  We look out the window and she is standing in the middle of the field in the dark.  Suddenly tons of wind comes barreling through picking up the snow so that we can no longer see her.  We immediately jump in to action to rescue her from the arctic freeze.  Once well prepared with coats, hats, gloves, and scarves, we head out into the thick in search of our friend.  We find her making a snow angel in the blizzard next to the Tower of Isenguard that she had built.  She is nothing but snow and smiles.  The lights of campus were reflecting off all the snow, making the night glow.  There are students out everywhere throwing snowballs and sledding and laughing into the night.  My two friends start frolicking (there is no better word to describe it) through the snow laughing gleefully.  And in this moment I am pure happiness, through and through.  The magic of the beautiful setting and my joyously happy friends takes me from head to toe.  It is one of those rare moments that I have had in my life where I feel like everything is right and in balance, that I am living life as it was meant to be lived, that there is absolutely nowhere else in the entire world that I would rather be than right there, and that this world is full of love and joy just waiting for permission to shine.  I am not going to forget this night, as I have not forgotten the other moments in my life when this has occurred.

I am so thankful to be blessed with such a rich life and better friends than I could ever ask for.